What Is Authenticity, Really?
Have you ever caught yourself thinking…
"I just want to be more authentic."
Or maybe you've said something like…
"I don't even know who I really am anymore."
That phrase—“be authentic”—gets tossed around a lot these days.
But let’s be honest... in the moments that really test us—the tough conversations, the awkward social settings, the big decisions—authenticity often feels vague and slippery.
Is it speaking your mind no matter what? Is it acting on impulse? Is it about being raw and unfiltered, even if that rawness isn’t necessarily kind or clear?
Or is it something deeper… and quieter… than that?
That’s what we’re going to unpack today.
Because what most people think authenticity is… often isn’t.
And chasing a version of authenticity that’s based on emotional reaction or "just being yourself" in the moment? That usually leaves us feeling more disconnected, not less.
Authenticity: More Than Just Doing What Feels Right
When most people say, "I just want to be authentic," they usually mean they want to stop pretending.
They want to stop hiding, stop faking, stop molding themselves into what others expect.
Fair enough.
But here’s where it gets tricky.
In the absence of pretending, what’s left… often isn’t clarity.
It’s confusion. Or reactivity.
Sometimes we mistake being "authentic" for saying whatever is on our mind, letting our emotions run wild, or giving in to our impulses in the moment.
But that isn’t necessarily alignment. That’s often conditioning. That’s old emotional wiring playing out automatically.
Authenticity—real authenticity—comes from something much deeper.
It’s when your words, actions, and choices reflect a calm and steady awareness of who you choose to be… not just what you're feeling in the moment.
A client once told me, "I thought I was being authentic when I vented my frustration to my team. But afterwards, I didn’t feel grounded. I felt scattered and a little ashamed."
What they realized later was powerful:
Authenticity isn’t about unloading. It’s about expressing from clarity.
The Illusion of "Just Being Yourself"
Let’s talk about this common phrase: "Just be yourself."
Sounds simple, right? But… which version of yourself?
The you that feels confident and playful on vacation?
The you that gets frustrated when you’re under pressure?
The you that gets withdrawn and quiet when you’re hurt?
We all have many states. Many versions.
If authenticity was just "be whatever you are in the moment," it would mean being erratic is authentic. And yet, deep down, you probably know that doesn’t feel quite right.
Most people believe authenticity is simple: “Just be yourself.” But who exactly is yourself?
Is it the version shaped by childhood experiences?
The version molded to get approval?
The version protecting itself from rejection?
Often, when we say “I’m just being real,” what we’re actually doing is defending well-worn emotional patterns—patterns wired into the nervous system long ago.
Authenticity isn’t about reacting to every urge. It’s about creating space — space to choose.
The real you isn’t the automatic reaction.
It’s the conscious choice beneath the reaction.
When you begin to see this, something profound shifts:
You realize authenticity isn’t reactive.
It’s intentional.
Your nervous system and emotional patterns often dictate which "self" shows up—unless you train something deeper.
That’s why authenticity, in its truest sense, isn’t automatic.
It’s trained.
It’s chosen.
It’s built by intentionally creating space between what you feel and how you express yourself.
That’s where steadiness begins.
That’s when you can choose who you want to be—not who your emotions decide you’ll be.
Authenticity as Alignment, Not Reaction
At its core, authenticity is about alignment.
It’s about bringing your thoughts, words, and actions into harmony with your chosen values—not your mood of the moment.
And that’s subtle.
It’s not loud.
It doesn’t always feel dramatic or intense.
In fact, true authenticity often feels quiet. Almost uneventful.
You say no when you need to say no.
You offer kindness, not because you "should," but because you are connected to that way of being.
You hold boundaries, not because you’re angry, but because you are clear on your standards.
That’s the real thing.
One person I worked with used to wrestle with this deeply. They often wondered, "Am I being fake when I hold back my frustrations?"
But as they trained to notice and slow down their inner state, they realized something beautiful:
Not every feeling needed to be broadcast.
Not every impulse was truth.
Authenticity became, for them, about showing up as the version of themselves they were proud to stand behind—not the version that reacted quickest.
That’s when life got lighter. More empowered. More steady.
Reflect On This: The Moment Before You Respond
So here’s something to sit with today.
The next time you feel the urge to say something, react, or express yourself—pause.
Ask:
"Is this coming from who I choose to be, or from the emotion I’m feeling right now?"
That space… that single breath… is where authenticity lives.
Not in the reaction, but in the choice.
Honestly, most people struggle here.
I’ve seen clients wrestle with this over and over. They’ll say, "I don’t know who I am anymore because I’m different around different people."
And that’s not a failure. That’s normal… until you train.
The moment they learned how to anchor into that space between reaction and response, everything shifted.
They started leading conversations, setting boundaries, and showing up in ways they didn’t even know were possible before.
AN INVITATION
If you’re ready to stop guessing and start training that deeper alignment, I’ve created a program that helps you build the skill of choosing your inner state—so you can show up how you truly want, consistently.
It’s a powerful next step if this resonated.
And hey, if you want more insights like this, come hang out with me on Instagram @mikewangcoaching or sign up for my weekly newsletter.
I share ideas like this all the time to help you live with more clarity, presence, and power.