What is a Transactional Relationship?

In this blog post, I want to explore something that touches all of us at some point—how we relate to others.

Have you ever felt like every time you give in a relationship, you’re silently keeping score? Or like there’s an unspoken expectation that if you show up for them, they’ll show up for you?

That’s what we call a transactional relationship—and today, we’re going to unpack what that really means, and how it shapes our emotional life, and how we can begin to shift it from the inside out.

What is a Transactional Relationship?

Let’s start with what’s simple and real.

A transactional relationship is one where the connection is based on an exchange—what I give to you, what I get from you.

It might sound like:

• “If I help you, you’ll help me.”
• “If I’m always there for you, you’ll be there when I need it.”
• “If I behave a certain way, you’ll keep loving me.”

And often, we don’t even say it out loud.

It shows up when:

• You feel hurt when a friend doesn’t respond the way you expected.
• You find yourself giving, but deep down hoping it’ll come back to you.
• You wonder if saying no will make someone pull away.

It’s like there’s always a silent agreement that your worth is tied to what you do or give.

Why We Slip Into Transactions

Why do so many of us slip into this way of relating?

For a lot of us, it starts early.

We learn that love and acceptance are tied to behavior.

• “If I’m good, I get praised.”
• “If I do the right thing, I’m safe.”
• “If I meet their expectations, they’ll stay.”

And so, we start giving, doing, and showing up with this hidden hope that it’ll secure the relationship.

We treat love and connection like they’re earned. Like there’s a scoreboard we’re always trying to keep balanced.

But the thing is—love doesn’t work that way. Real connection isn’t a business deal. It’s about presence, not performance.

It’s like saying, “I bought them coffee three times this week, so they owe me three compliments and a back rub.” But humans don’t work like vending machines.

The Emotional Weight of Transactions

Here’s where it starts to feel heavy.

When we give with an expectation, and we don’t get it back, it breeds resentment.

• “I did so much for them, and they didn’t even notice.”
• “I listened to their problems—why can’t they be there for me?”

It also breeds anxiety.

• “What if I stop giving, and they leave?”
• “What if I don’t show up perfectly, and they get upset?”

And beneath that is often a quiet fear:

• “What if I’m not enough on my own?”

These layers of resentment, anxiety, and fear create emotional tension inside us. We start defining our worth by what we give—or what we get in return.

Shifting from Transaction to Connection

So what does it look like to shift from a transactional relationship to one that’s truly connected?

It’s not about giving less. Generosity is beautiful. But when we give only to get something back, it becomes a contract, not a gift.

Connection grows from presence.

Imagine giving because it feels good in your heart, not because you’re hoping for a reward.

Imagine receiving because you know you’re worthy of love—not because you earned it.

I worked with someone who used to go out of their way to help friends move—every single time. But they’d get frustrated when no one showed up for them in the same way. It was like every time they carried a box, they were adding a tick mark to the scoreboard.

When they let go of the scoreboard—and gave help simply because it felt good—they felt lighter. And when they needed help themselves, they asked without the expectation that it had to balance perfectly.

It wasn’t about giving less. It was about giving from a place of presence, not transaction.

Recognizing the Signals and When Others Don’t Own Their Part

Transactional patterns often run on autopilot.

Maybe you notice that tight feeling in your chest when a friend doesn’t text you back.

Or that sense of disappointment when your partner doesn’t match your effort.

That’s the signal.

It’s not about judging yourself for feeling that way—it’s about noticing when giving or doing starts feeling like a trade.

Because every time we expect a certain outcome, we’re tied to that outcome. And every time we’re tied to an outcome, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

A Word About Ownership

Now, let’s talk about something that often comes up here.

What if you’re showing up consistently in the relationship, but the other person just isn’t? Maybe they’re not communicating, not reciprocating, or not taking responsibility for their side of things.

That’s not necessarily a transactional relationship—that’s a person who isn’t owning their part.

When someone consistently doesn’t show up for the relationship—maybe they avoid difficult conversations, or they don’t acknowledge their own patterns—it’s not about scorekeeping. It’s about recognizing that they’re not taking responsibility for themselves or for the connection.

It’s like being on a team where only one person shows up to practice. No matter how much effort you put in, the game doesn’t really work.

So if that’s happening in your relationship, it’s important to notice it.

Instead of getting stuck trying to fix or convince them to show up differently, ask yourself:

• “What’s my vision for a healthy relationship?”
• “Am I holding my own vision clearly, or am I trying to make theirs match mine?”
• “What does it feel like to hold presence and compassion for myself, even if they’re not showing up the way I’d like?”

Because at the end of the day, you can’t force someone to own their part. You can only train your own inner world so you’re steady enough to choose how you want to show up.

And from there, you get to decide whether that relationship aligns with the vision you hold. Sometimes the most loving choice is to let go, not from anger or blame, but from honoring your own vision and needs.

An Invitation

Before we wrap up, let’s pause together.

If you slowed down right now… what’s the emotional signal you’re actually ignoring?

Is it that quiet disappointment that others don’t show up the way you’d like?

Is it that soft fear that maybe, without giving, you won’t be enough?

Is it the anger that your efforts aren’t mirrored back in the same way?

These signals aren’t wrong—they’re pointing to something deeper. A place inside you that’s craving real connection.

And if you’re ready to start training your inner world with the same clarity and structure you bring to everything else, I’ve built a system for that. It helps you integrate thoughts, emotions, and nervous system—so you don’t just understand your patterns, you actually shift them. The link’s below.

And if you’re on Instagram, I share insights and practices several times a week over at @mikewangcoaching. Would love to connect with you there.

You can also join the weekly newsletter below—it’s where I share more direct tools and contemplations to help you apply this work in real life.