When Good Intentions Don’t Match the Results You Get

You ever notice how you can really mean well— like your heart is in the right place— and still, the result doesn’t match what you hoped?

You wanted to show up better. You wanted the workout to happen. You wanted the conversation to be calm. You wanted this time to be different.

And afterward, there's that quiet frustration: “I tried. I truly tried. Why didn’t it land?”

That gap isn’t about effort. It’s not about willpower. It’s not about how much you care. It’s about the emotional state you were in when you acted.

Most people put all their attention on intention.

• What I meant
• What I intended
• What I wanted the outcome to be

But intention doesn’t lead behavior. Emotion does.

The emotional state you’re in is the thing that:

• shapes your tone,
• influences how you perceive the situation,
• directs what thoughts are available,
• and ultimately determines what you actually do.

Today, we’re looking at that layer. The layer most people never pay attention to. The layer that makes change actually take hold.

The Moment You Meant Well

Let’s start with something familiar.

Think of a moment where you wanted to respond calmly, but frustration slipped out anyway. Or a moment where you meant to listen, but you were really waiting to be understood. Or a moment where you told yourself you were going to the gym after work— but the day ended and the only thing you had energy for was scrolling or “I’ll start tomorrow.”

You didn’t fail. Your state led.

If the emotional tone in the body is:

• urgency,
• pressure,
• worry,
• trying to get it “right,”

then the mind thinks from inside that tone. And the action matches it.

We don’t act from intention. We act from the state that has been trained—repeated—practiced the most.

The State Comes Before the Thought

Most people think they need a new mindset. But mindset is downstream from state.

When you’re calm, you can see options. You can choose your response. When you’re tense or overwhelmed:

• the mind narrows,
• everything looks like a problem,
• the options shrink.

Same situation. Completely different capacity. Because the state shifted first.

So when someone says:

“I just need more discipline,”

or

“I just need to think differently,”

they’re starting in the wrong place.

The real leverage point is the emotional tone your nervous system returns to without effort. Because that tone is what your actions follow.

Everyday Examples (Goal, Work, Relationship)

Fitness

Someone says:

“This time I’m serious.”

But underneath the workout is:

• self-judgment,
• frustration,
• urgency to change quickly.

So even though they go, the state being rehearsed is pressure. The nervous system learns:

“Training = heavy.”

And eventually, it stops. Not because they didn’t care. But because the state driving the action was draining.

Creative Work

Someone wants to write. They sit down, open the document… and suddenly:

• the chest tightens,
• the mind judges every sentence,
• it feels like they’re being evaluated.

Not by others. By themselves.

The writing doesn’t stop because they’re blocked. It stops because the state behind the action is self-critique.

Same intention. Different emotional tone. Different outcome.

Relationships

Someone intends to be supportive. To listen. To show up with care. But underneath, there’s:

• fear of losing the connection,
• or needing the conversation to resolve quickly,
• or wanting reassurance.

So the words sound supportive. But the energy lands as pressure. The other person responds to the tone, not the intention. And then it feels like:

“No matter what I do, it’s not received.”

Not true. It’s just the state that’s being communicated. We feel emotional tone more than language.

The Misunderstood Role of Effort

When results don’t match intentions, most people try harder. They push. They force. They grind.

But force reinforces the emotional tone of:

• urgency,
• strain,
• fear of not succeeding,
• trying to prove something.

So even when they follow through, the state being trained is tension. And tension is not sustainable.

You can’t strain your way into alignment. You train your way there.

The Difference Between Urgency and Commitment

This is where most internal work gets misinterpreted.

Urgency says:

“I need results now so I can feel okay.”

It’s fueled by:

• lack,
• insecurity,
• trying to catch up.

Urgency burns energy. Urgency burns relationships. Urgency burns out self-trust.

Commitment says:

“This matters to me, and I’m willing to train it over time.”

Commitment feels:

• steady,
• grounded,
• breathable,
• repeatable.

Commitment builds identity. Commitment builds consistency. Commitment builds a life.

Urgency feels productive. Commitment creates change.

And the difference between the two is not intention— it’s state.

Training the State First, Then Acting

So we shift where we start. Before the gym. Before the conversation. Before the writing session.

We check the tone. Not to fix anything. Not to analyze or unpack it. Just notice:

“What emotional state am I in right now?”

And then:

“Is this the state I want to practice?”

If not — we choose. Not a perfect state. Not a dramatic transformation. Something simple. Real. Trainable.

• steadiness
• curiosity
• patience
• clarity
• quiet confidence

Then we take one small action from that state. One rep. One sentence. One breath before speaking. One walk around the block instead of skipping movement entirely. One softening of the tone when responding.

The state is the training. The action is the reinforcement. Identity shifts from repetition, not force.

Reflection

So the real question isn’t: “What do I intend to do?”

The real question is: “What emotional state am I practicing—over and over—without realizing it?”

And: “Is that state aligned with the person I’m committed to becoming?”

If the answer is no, that’s not a flaw. It’s simply a pattern. And patterns can be retrained.

If you’re ready to build a steady, resilient inner state—not just know this, but live it—I’ve built a system for that.

It integrates emotional state and nervous system training so you don’t just try to show up differently—you develop the capacity to.

I also share practices weekly on Instagram — @mikewangcoaching

Thanks for being here.