Are you stressed—or is stress just happening?

You ever notice how quickly we say “I’m stressed,” like it’s just a fact about who we are? As if the stress tells the whole story. But most of the time, what we’re calling “stress” is just a reaction — something the body and mind are doing in the moment. Not a fixed part of us. Not identity. Just experience.

I want to explore something subtle today. Subtle, but powerful. The difference between:

• What we’re feeling in this moment, and
• The steadier, quieter part of us that’s always there underneath it

Because the moment we can tell those apart, things start to open. We get options again.

The Habit of Calling Feelings Identity

Most of us were never really taught to describe what we feel. We were taught to label it as who we are.

• “I’m stressed.”
• “I’m irritated.”
• “I’m overwhelmed.”
• “I’m shut down.”

We say it like personality traits. But all of those are temporary states responding to something happening right now. And when we treat them like identity, we accidentally lock ourselves inside of them.

Here’s a different language shift that changes everything:

Instead of:

I am stressed.

Try:

Stress is happening.

Small difference in wording. Very different impact inside the nervous system. Because if stress is something happening, not who you are, then there’s a you underneath it. And that you is where your clarity and choice live.

A Real-Life Scenario

Imagine you’re with someone you care about — a partner or someone you’re getting to know. The vibe is normal. You’re talking. Then they mention something small — maybe they made plans that didn’t include you. Or they forgot to respond to a message earlier. Or they’re just slightly less present than usual. Nothing sharp. Nothing meant to hurt.

But inside, something shifts. Maybe your chest tightens a little. Maybe your voice gets a bit quieter. Maybe you suddenly feel like you need to pull back or protect something. The moment itself was neutral. But your reaction wasn’t. That reaction didn’t come from this moment. It came from another moment your body remembers. The present is fine. But the body is responding to something older.

Once you recognize: “Oh — this is a reaction happening, not reality,” you get space again. Space to respond differently. Space to stay in the moment instead of the memory. Space to remain yourself.

The Part of You That’s Steady

Underneath reactions — stress, pressure, withdrawal, irritation — there’s always a quieter part. It’s the part of you that’s here when you’re not “trying to be centered.” It feels like:

• Breath that moves easily
• Thoughts that have space between them
• A sense of “I’m actually okay right now”

You’ve been there before. You’ve acted from that place. Not just during rest — but in real conversations, real challenges, real life. You don’t have to create that steadiness. You just have to return to it when the reaction settles. And it will settle — if we stop feeding it.

Why This Matters

Because when the reaction is driving, our behavior reflects the reaction.

• When stress is driving → we hurry.
• When defensiveness is driving → we argue.
• When discouragement is driving → we shrink.
• When irritation is driving → we push away.

We end up living as if the reaction is the real “us.” But when we wait — just long enough for the reaction to soften — we respond differently. Not by forcing calm, but because we’re back in ourselves. Back in clarity. Back in presence. Back in choice. That’s where real connection happens.

How to Return to Yourself in Real Time

Here’s the simplest way to work with reactions — without analyzing them or trying to fix anything.

1. Acknowledge what’s happening. Not as identity. Just as something unfolding.

   “Stress is here.” “Tension is here.” “Heaviness is here.” No story. Just recognition.

2. Pause the mental narrative. The mind will want to explain, justify, interpret. You don’t need to follow it. Not yet.

3. Let your body shift first. Soften your jaw. Drop the shoulders. Extend the exhale. The body leads the nervous system back to center.

4. Then choose how to respond. Not from the reaction. But from the steadier you beneath it. That’s where the real conversation happens.
   
   

Relationship Example

Someone I’ve worked with felt a quiet heaviness whenever their partner seemed distracted. Not anger. Not panic. Just that subtle sinking — like connection was slipping. They assumed the heaviness meant: “Something is wrong between us.” But when we slowed it down, the heaviness wasn’t about the partner at all. It was the body remembering times when closeness faded unexpectedly. So every time their partner’s attention shifted — even briefly — the body reacted like loss was already happening.

When they started recognizing: “This heaviness is a reaction — not the truth of this moment,” the space around the moment opened. And when you return to yourself in that way, it quietly invites the other person to meet you with a little more presence too — not because they’re forcing it, but because you’ve made it easier to feel you. The relationship didn’t need rescuing. The moment just needed room. Not control. Not intensity. Just returning to yourself, and letting the connection reappear on its own.

Reflection Prompt

Ask yourself: What reaction do I tend to slip into most often? Not why. Not who caused it. Just noticing the pattern. That’s the doorway.

You can also find smaller reflections and reminders on Instagram — @mikewangcoaching. Thanks for being here. See you next time.