Empathy Isn’t What Most People Think It Is

I want to talk about something that gets misunderstood all the time. And if you’re someone who feels deeply, if you care a lot, if you’ve ever thought or said, “I’m really empathetic,” this is for you.

Because there’s an important distinction almost nobody is taught. And when you don’t understand it, it quietly creates burnout, confusion, and a lot of unnecessary struggle.

Empathy and being emotionally overwhelmed are not the same thing. They feel similar, but they lead to very different outcomes.

Here’s what I see all the time. Someone you care about is upset. They’re anxious. Or angry. Or sad.

And you can feel it immediately. Your body tightens. Your chest contracts. Your mind starts racing. You feel a lot.

And because you feel so much, you assume you’re being empathetic. Most people think, “If I’m feeling this intensely, it must mean I really care.” “If I wasn’t empathetic, I wouldn’t be feeling this.”

That feels true. But it’s not actually accurate.

Because what’s often happening in that moment is this: You’ve lost your center. Their emotional state just became your emotional state.

Some people call this emotional contagion. I don’t really care about the term. What matters is whether you can stay centered.

Because empathy is not about feeling everything. Empathy is the ability to accurately understand what someone else is experiencing while remaining regulated inside yourself.

You can feel what’s relevant. You can understand what’s happening. And you can still think clearly, choose intentionally, and respond in a way that actually helps.

Let me make this more concrete. I see this constantly in relationships.

Your partner is upset. They’re venting. They’re emotional. And you immediately jump in.

You try to fix it. You try to calm them down. You try to explain why they shouldn’t feel that way. Or you just absorb it all and carry it around for the rest of the day.

Later, you feel exhausted. Or resentful. Or confused about why you’re so drained.

You think you were being supportive. But really, you lost your center.

And once you lose regulation, something important drops out of the room. Choice.

When that happens, the interaction quietly shifts. It’s no longer about supporting the other person. It becomes about managing your discomfort.

Most people don’t notice that shift. But they feel the consequences of it all the time.

And this doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. It happens at work.

Your boss is stressed. The energy in the room spikes. Suddenly you’re anxious and unfocused.

It happens with family. A parent is worried. A sibling is upset. And you feel responsible for stabilizing everyone.

Same pattern. Different setting.

This doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. And it doesn’t mean you care too much.

It usually just means no one taught you how to stay regulated under emotional pressure.

We’re encouraged to be open. To be sensitive. To feel deeply.

But we’re rarely taught how to stay centered when emotions run high.

Let me slow this down for a moment. Think about the last time someone was emotional around you.

Just notice it. What happened in your body? Did you tense up? Did your breathing change? Did your mind start racing?

And ask yourself honestly: Did I stay centered, or did I get pulled in?

There’s no judgment here. Just awareness.

Now think about the people you feel safest with when things are hard.

They don’t panic when you’re upset. They don’t collapse emotionally. They don’t escalate the situation.

Their presence settles things. You feel clearer around them. More grounded. More capable.

That’s not because they feel less. It’s because they’re regulated.

Unregulated sensitivity leads to burnout. It leads to confusion. And it increases the risk of resentment and manipulation.

Regulated empathy creates clarity. Proportion. And real help.

So don’t reject empathy. Learn to discriminate.

Look for people, and become someone, whose presence stabilizes situations rather than amplifying them.

Someone who can understand emotion without being ruled by it.

That’s not emotional shutdown. That’s emotional capacity.

That’s regulation. And it’s a skill you can train.