If They Change, Then I’ll Feel Better…Right?

Ever catch yourself thinking, “They made me feel this way”?

That reaction might seem small—but it shapes far more than just a bad day. It trains a pattern that puts your emotional life in someone else’s hands.

Today we’re exploring a common dynamic that plays out in nearly every close relationship—romantic, family, even professional. It’s the moment we unconsciously make someone else responsible for how we feel. And unless we train something different, this one move quietly hijacks our clarity, our peace, and our ability to show up the way we actually want to.

What It Looks Like (and Why It Feels So Normal)

It doesn’t always sound dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle.

• “If they would just be more present, I wouldn’t feel so anxious.”
• “I’m upset because they didn’t include me.”
• “They make me feel like I’m not enough.”

These might sound like normal things to say—and honestly, they are. But when we pause, they reveal something deeper: The state I’m in right now is coming from them—not from me.

This is emotional outsourcing. And the nervous system learns it fast.

One client described it this way: “I realized that most of my peace came from whether or not my partner was in a good mood. If they were affectionate, I felt loved. If they were distracted, I spiraled. I wasn’t choosing my state—they were.”

That might sound familiar. And if it does, it’s not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that a very old emotional pattern is in charge.

Where This Pattern Gets Trained

For a lot of people, this goes back to early conditioning. Maybe love came through achievement. Maybe peace came when you kept the people around you happy. Maybe safety meant tracking others so you could avoid punishment, rejection, or emotional chaos.

If that was your environment, the system learned: “Other people’s behavior determines how I feel.”

Now as an adult, that pattern runs beneath the surface. You might become hyper-aware of tone, facial expressions, or subtle shifts in behavior—Not because you’re overly sensitive, but because your nervous system was trained to scan for threat.

So when a partner pulls away, a colleague ignores a message, or a friend cancels plans…you don’t just register the behavior. You experience an emotional collapse—anxiety, frustration, self-doubt—because your system has made their behavior responsible for your state.

What Gets Reinforced (Even When It Feels Justified)

Here’s the real challenge: Even when it feels logical—even when you can point to “proof” that someone let you down—you’re still reinforcing a deeper pattern.

Let’s say you’re in a disagreement and you shut down emotionally. You say nothing. You wait for them to notice. And when they don’t? You get more upset.

That’s not communication. That’s indirect training.

The nervous system learns:

• “I can’t say what I need.”
• “They have to guess.”
• “If they love me, they’ll know.”

And when they don’t respond the way you want, it reinforces powerlessness. You feel unseen. Misunderstood. Alone.

But you’re also unintentionally reinforcing the belief: “My clarity and connection depend on what they do.”

The Cost to the Relationship (and to You)

Over time, this pattern creates confusion. You might think you’re being vulnerable by saying, “I need more from you.” But if that statement is coming from an emotionally unstable place, it’s not clarity—it’s a demand.

And what you’re actually training is: “Until you behave differently, I can’t feel better.”

One couple I worked with had this exact loop. She constantly felt abandoned, even when he was in the room. He felt pressured to constantly reassure her, which made him resentful. They were both trying—but their systems were locked in a loop of reactivity.

And because neither was trained to stabilize their own state first, they kept bouncing off each other’s unregulated emotions.

Here’s the deeper truth: If you can only feel okay when someone else behaves a certain way, then you’ve trained yourself to need control—not connection.

The Moment Everything Changes

Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t have needs. This isn’t about becoming emotionally independent to the point of isolation.

It’s about sequence. Train your state first—then communicate. Stabilize clarity—then take action.

Because when you do it the other way around—when you try to communicate or problem-solve from pressure, fear, or blame—you reinforce instability, not intimacy.

One client shared this turning point: “I used to vent or text every time I felt anxious. I’d try to get them to fix it. But after a while, I realized I was just outsourcing my regulation. Now, I train clarity first. I sit down, get present, stabilize my breath and my body—and then decide if anything still needs to be said.”

Sometimes, after doing that, she still chose to speak up. Other times, she didn’t—because what felt urgent from pressure, dissolved in calm.

That’s the power of training. You’re not numbing. You’re choosing.

Resistance to Taking Ownership

There’s often a voice that says: “But if I stop making them responsible, doesn’t that let them off the hook?”

Let’s clarify: Taking ownership of your own state isn’t about ignoring someone else’s behavior. It’s about not giving them control over your internal world.

You can still ask for something to change. You can still set a boundary. But you do it from a trained state—not from chaos.

When you’re aligned internally, your ask becomes clear, grounded, and powerful. When you’re untrained, even the most valid request sounds like blame—or lands like guilt.

Training Calm in the Middle of the Storm

Training your emotional state doesn’t mean waiting for life to be peaceful. It means practicing calm while you’re still inside emotional tension.

You won’t always get it right. That’s okay. But the more you catch it, the more you redirect, the more your system learns that your emotional state is yours to train—not theirs to manage.

Here’s a simple cue to start with: Whenever you feel triggered by someone’s behavior, ask:

“What emotion am I actually training right now?”
“Is this the state I want to lead from?”

That one pause? That’s where your power begins.

What emotional state are you practicing—over and over—without even realizing it?

An Invitation

If you’re ready to stop managing symptoms and start training a steady, resilient inner state, I’ve built a system for that. It integrates perception, emotion, and nervous system—so you don’t just understand your patterns…you actually shift them.

I also share practices weekly on Instagram—@mikewangcoaching. And if you want more depth, you can join the newsletter here.